Most Mindnight Showers

I went through my facebook posts from 2009 and i am surprised by how things have changed and how there has been a constant.The constant being 'me' and how i failed to see myself in a brighter light within myself but you cannot blame me , you are taught to be wired like this .Your home , your people they are used to living way they understand best and the module that fits them the best. Its true to understand the model that fits you best and i never really discovered it until now and i am still learning and unlearning to relearn. I truly enjoy my own space offcourse with an addition to have him by my side.
Going back to my thought the other day about us. We were together just months ago , and we were not just together but also in complete isolation together. We fought like crazy and loved like never before . How can things be so momentary . I never appreciated his true presence when he was around and now i would anything to have him around. Its like that was a dream that lasted just for that moment and we are hoping to have that yet again.
I have somehow become afraid of exploring , i remeber when i took that trip spontaneously by myself to eindhoven vs me not wanting to even step out on weekends. Its just lazy and all about cozying up. I honestly cannot express what caused this but i want this to be temporary as well.
This is the bitter pill that i am forced to chew upon like it was exactly what i wanted but i wont deny its teachings. The number of thoguhts in  my head are just something i have no control of anymore. It seemed to be in control a while ago and now it is eerywhere and it comes in control on momentarily when i have focussed on it.
Days at work have been hard , with been driven crazy i find my pockets of peace post and on thhe weekends btu how long can i pull this off? There are so many unanswered questions. Why cant i completely get what i want ? Why does ther always have to be these hindrances?
I am writing this after having shut all the lights in my bathroom and shower .  I needed the  midnight shower. I am off for the night.

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